Main Idea: Parents survive the pain of a prodigal child by faithfully trusting God to change their heart.

This morning we continue our series "Extreme Makeover-Home Edition." This series of messages is designed to encourage us about issues we face in our lives and families. We’ve talked about the fears of aging and the challenges of parenting young children. This morning we want to talk about how parents feel when a child rejects their values. I’ve called it "Parents in Pain."

As you know, we’ve been using the theme from the television show "Extreme Makeover--Home Edition" as a basis for our series. Each week the show seeks to aid a hurting or deserving family by providing them with a new or remodeled home. While the idea is a worthy one and shows tremendous compassion for hurting families, there are pains that families feel that a new home can’t heal. That is especially true of the pain a parent feels when a child rejects the values with which they have been raised are no longer theirs. When that happens, the parents of that child are in pain—a pain that only God can heal.

There is no better place in the Bible that talks about a parent in pain than the Parable of the Prodigal Son found in Luke 15. In Luke 15 Jesus is teaching some religious leaders about the compassion of God toward those who are lost from his love. He tells the story of the shepherd and the lost sheep, the woman and the lost coin and the father and the lost son. In each of these stories something that was valued was lost. Jesus’ point in teaching is to show how God wants desperately for lost people to come to a relationship with Himself..

The story of the father and the lost son has been called "the Parable of the Prodigal Son." The word prodigal means to recklessly waste something. In the parable of Jesus the son recklessly wastes the inheritance of his father and that’s why we call him the "prodigal son." The truth is he wasted far more than just his father’s money. In the same way a child becomes a prodigal when they waste or reject the values the parents have given to them with an intensity that others do not. Norman Wright says, "Prodigal children waste the values their parents have worked to instill in them. They waste their potential, their abilities, their health, and their future. In some cases, they waste their lives…I consider a child who has rejected the values of his family to be a prodigal, even if that child still lives at home, even if that child is 12 years old. When you have a prodigal child you are in pain as a parent." (Loving Your Prodigal" CT Magazine, 4/4/2000)

Where does that pain start? It begins sometimes with words like: "Dad, Mom, I’m gay." "I’m pregnant." "I’m living with my girlfriend." "Your son has been arrested." "Your daughter is in the emergency room. She tried to take her life." Those words hit parents with pain that is as sudden as an earthquake without warning that rips through your heart and leaves you gasping for air. Others come more gradually. Someone said, "They are ‘like a hairline crack you can’t seem to patch spreading an inch at a time in the face of a dam, until finally the dam breaks and the water comes rushing in. Either way, the impact is so strong it numbs you and then emotions rage. One moment the sky of your life is clear. The next, you feel as though you’re caught up in a tornado" (Loving A Prodigal by H. Norman Wright, p. 9).

When that happens you are a parent in pain. Buddy Scott describes clearly why you hurt:

"You hurt…because your children stand in grotesque defiance against you.

because your mega contribution to the lives of your kids is not being appreciated by them.

You hurt…because you feel like failures as parents.

because you are haunted by your thoughts, If only we had done this or done that.

because other parents—some with younger children or some who are fortunate enough not to have had severe problems with their teenagers—look at you like you are failures.

because you are frustrated from going behind your kids cleaning up their messes.

because you have to mix with people at work, at community functions, or at church who know about your children’s problems.

because you wonder if you ought to give up your positions at church or in the community.

because you don’t know for sure how to help your children.

because you don’t know what to do or how to think." (Loving a Prodigal, p. 11-12)

Those are just some of the reasons the parent of a prodigal can be in pain. If that is why a parent might be in pain, how do you stop the pain? The truth is the pain doesn’t stop until the prodigal child changes their heart. That change is something that is completely between that child and God. So what does a parent do? That’s what I want us to find out as we study this amazing story of Jesus.

Jesus quickly introduces us to the story in verses 11-12 by simply saying, "A man had two sons." We don’t know why but the younger son has become impatient with his father and his father’s rules. He demands his share of the wealth that his father would eventually give to him. Jewish law only required that the younger son get only one-half as much of the inheritance as the older son, yet the father divides his wealth equally between the two. Why did the father give in to his son’s requests? Because the father knew that the son’s heart was no longer his.

It didn’t take long for the son to gather his assets and leave home. Jesus says, "He took a trip to a distant land." For a prodigal child a "distant Land" can be a room down the hall, an apartment across town, a relationship that crosses boundaries, or an attitude that keeps them apart from their parents. What did the prodigal child do in the "distant land"? He wasted everything. He wasted his money but he also wasted the security of his home for the insecurities of his lifestyle. He wasted the relationship of his family for the isolation of his companions. He wasted the reality of love for the illusion of pleasure. There is no limit to the things a prodigal child can waste once their heart packs up for the "distant land."

In Luke 15:14-16 the prodigal quickly discovers that the "distant land" wasn’t the paradise he sought. He hasn’t had a "Plan B" so when his money runs out and a famine hits he winds up in pain. Jesus says, "He began to starve." In fact he went to work for a farmer feeding pigs and the pigs’ food started looking good. Yet no one showed him any mercy and his pain only became worse.

The pain the prodigal felt is pain a parent may never know about because the prodigal never wants you to know they are hurting. No parent wants their child to hurt and it can be this natural protective instinct that keeps a child a prodigal because they never have to face the consequences of their choices. It is this pain that a parent hopes will come but there are no guarantees.

In Jesus’ story the distance between verse 16 and verse 17 seems very brief, yet we really don’t know. The son could have lasted a long time in the distant land, living with his pain and too proud to admit that he had wasted what really matters. I suppose that’s why Jesus used the words, "When he finally came to his senses…." It is this moment that every parent has prayed for with deep grief and tears. Yet it is this moment that is totally between the prodigal and God. This moment can take months, years, or never, because it is out of our hands. It is this moment, though, that is the first step toward the prodigal coming home.

When the prodigal came to his senses, what did he realize? He realized that the place he called home was where his heart belonged. In fact the prodigal makes up a speech of reconciliation where he owns his own choices, "I have sinned against heaven and you." Again, this moment is the prodigal’s choice. Unless it is their choice the reconciliation can never occur. A parent wants to hear these words more than life itself but they are words that they can’t say for their child.

There are some words in scripture that stand alone and our words only cloud an already clear sky. The words of Jesus in verses 20-24 are filled with such beauty and emotion that I just want to read them to you: "So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long distance away, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.' "But his father said to the servants, 'Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger, and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening in the pen. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.' So the party began. (Luke 15:20-24)

Those words of reconciliation are ones that are the dream of every parent of a prodigal. Do you know that in the original language the father doesn’t even let the son finish his speech before he interrupts him? He doesn’t need to hear anything more because the prodigal’s heart had been changed and his heart was now home.

While Jesus paints for us the ideal picture of reconciliation, the reality is not so perfect. In fact Jesus tags on at the end the story of the other older brother’s resentment in verses 25-32. The older brother often gets a bad reputation for being selfish. Yet I think the reality is that he just wants to say what the siblings of all prodigals want to say: "I do all the right things and they get all the attention!" The feelings of the older brother serve as a reminder to the prodigal child that they should not expect instant acceptance where the pain of rejection has been felt so deeply. Everyone is glad they are home but reconnection takes time because there are so many things that have been broken.

Look again at verse 20. How did the father survive the pain of the prodigal? He survived by doing the only thing he could do and that was faithfully trust that only God could turn the heart of his son toward home again. The only way you as the parent of a prodigal will survive the pain is by faithfully trusting that only God can turn their heart toward home. Here is what I want you to hear: Parents survive the pain of a prodigal child by faithfully trusting that only God can change their heart.

In thirty years of ministry I have joined parents as they endured the pain of their prodigal children. I have watched them pack and eventually leave for a distant land. I have sat opposite them in jail. I have watched their parents ache when they didn’t know where they were. I have stood by their bed in a hospital when their addictions or their demons became too strong. I’ve had the sorrow of telling a parent, "I have some very bad news to tell you…." In spite of all the pain, I’ve also had the joy of watching the party begin when the prodigal returns and there is no party like that one!

I have some words that have been shaped by what other parents have experienced that I believe can help a parent in pain. They are statements that will enable you to survive the pain.

First, a parent must say, "I will survive." It is the only decision you have any control over. It’s more than "enduring"; it is surviving.

Next, a parent must say, "I made mistakes." This isn’t saying, "This is my fault" or "your fault" or "my responsibility." It just says, "I made mistakes. I’m not perfect." It is honestly admitting your own failures.

Another statement that is essential is, "I will let you go." At some point the longer you constrain a child the more they rebel. There will be a place where they must be released to what they choose.

There are some things that spouses need to say to themselves and to each other. The first is, "This is not about me or us." It is about the child and their decisions and choices not you. The second is, "This will not come between us." As a couple you must make the decision to say that whatever your child does will not divide the two of you.

A crucial thing that every prodigal needs to hear is, "I will be here for you." Just, "I will be here for you." Not "when you see what a mess you made," or, "Should you see how foolish you are," but, "I will be here for you." It is living your life with the door unlocked. That is the statement of unconditional love.

Should the prodigal choose to return, there will come a time when you will need to say, "We both have some work to do." The reconnection will take time because what you want is more than forgiveness; you want reconciliation. Reconciliation takes work and both parents and the child will have some work to do.

There are two final statements that parents need to say and they are things that they say about God. The first is, "I will trust God." In ways you have yet to begin to imagine you must choose to deepen the roots of your faith. Your trust in God will be your resource of hope and strength. Your last statement builds on your trust in God by saying, " I choose hope." It means you choose hope over despair, hope over giving up or giving in, hope not for your desires to be fulfilled but hope that only God can change their heart.

I believe these statements are the foundation for a parent’s ability to survive the pain of a prodigal child. Choosing to say, " I will trust God," and saying, "I choose hope" is your declaration of survival. And that is your choice. You can make other choices that aren’t helpful. But it is those choices that will carry you on in spite of your pain and give you the strength to survive while you trust that only God can change their heart.

An unknown author writes:

I’ve dreamed many dreams that never come true

I’ve seen them vanish at dawn,

But I’ve realized enough of my dreams, thank God

I’ve prayed many prayers when no answer came,

Though I waited patient and long,

But answers have come to enough of my prayers

I’ve trusted many a friend who failed

And left me to weep alone;

But I’ve found enough of my friends true blue

I’ve sown many seeds that fell by the way

For the birds to feed upon,

But I’ve held enough golden sheaves in my hands

I’ve drained the cup of disappointment and pain

And gone many days without song;

But I’ve sipped enough nectar from the roses of life

To make me want to live on. (Loving a Prodigal, p. 14)

Dreaming on, praying on, trusting on, planting on and living on – that is the way you survive the pain of a prodigal child. One parent said, "They’re not home but we are still fattening the calf!"

Dear God, I am a parent in pain. I struggle with guilt and feelings of failure. I have done all I know to do but I cannot change their heart. Today I trust you as never before and today I choose hope. I choose those not because I’m defeated but because I want victory. The child you gave me I give back to you. Help me to remember to pray this tomorrow when I forget. I will survive because I trust you to change their heart. Amen.

Sunday, July 24, 2005 a.m.

Dr. Bruce Tippit, Pastor

First Baptist Church

Jonesboro, Arkansas

btippit@fbcjonesboro.org