We come today to our last message in our series called "Essentials for Making Marriage Work". In this series we have said that the first three essentials were: "Trust God", "Hurry Home" and "Celebrate Differences." Today we want to discuss that in order to make our marriage work we must learn to "Cultivate Communication." Cultivating communication between couples is absolutely vital for the health and longevity of the marriage relationship. Cultivating communication is hard work because of the fact that men and women are not only different sexes but underneath these is the reality that men and women communicate differently--very differently. If we do not do the hard work of learning how to communicate then we will place our marriage relationship in real danger of destruction.

I mentioned last week that Kathy and I had the opportunity to "celebrate our differences" as we loaded a U-Haul to move our daughter Amy back from college. Many of you told me your stories of similar "celebrations". Kathy stayed in Little Rock over that weekend to be with her Mom for Mother’s Day and I came on home. When I got back to Jonesboro I had asked Ross Burton to help me unload the truck. It took us about 30 minutes to unload then we took the truck back and we were finished. After hearing me joke about our "differences" in loading the truck he told my wife later, "Gosh, Bruce and I unloaded the truck and didn’t have a cross word between us." Now you know that made Kathy really happy but it illustrates the difference not only in the way we do things as men and women but also how men and women communicate. A man thinks talk is a four-letter word. In other words, the less he has to say the better he thinks the relationship is going. Putting a guy in a situation where he has to talk makes him very uncomfortable. That’s why when couples are at the movie the guy doesn’t say to the other guy, "You want to go to the bathroom?" He likes being alone.

This is a true story as far as I know. A businessman moved over slightly as a young man crowded into the airplane seat next to him. They both fastened their seat belts, and the businessman good-naturedly inquired as to whether the young man was traveling on business or pleasure. "Pleasure," the young man replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." "Your honeymoon?" the businessman asked, mystified. "Where's your wife?" "Oh, she's a few rows back. The plane was full, so we couldn't get seats together." The plane hadn't started rolling yet, so the businessman said, "I'd be happy to change seats with her so that the two of you can be together." "That's okay," the young man replied. "I've been talking to her all week." That’s the difference between men and women!

When it comes to communication in a marriage, nothing is greater than when a husband and wife are cultivating the skill of communication. This only happens by overcoming the differences in the ways we communicate. Yet there is nothing more difficult and damaging than when the communication is broken and a couple is experiencing the pain of words that hurt and wound. The writer of Proverbs describes the kind of communication needed in all relationships but especially in the marriage relationship like an exquisitely crafted work of art. He says, "Timely advice is as lovely as golden apples in a silver basket." Another translation says, "A word spoken aptly is like apples of gold in settings of silver" (Proverbs 25:11). How do you know how to speak in such a way that you are cultivating communication in your marriage rather than creating a wall of division? There are five ideas for good communication that I find in the wisdom of Proverbs.

The first idea to cultivate communication is to say it at the right time. (Proverbs 15:23) "Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!" The writer says that everyone likes to hear good news. In marriage there is always enjoyment in talking about the easy stuff but when it comes to the hard things there is a right time to say it. There is no question that saying the right thing is important but there is also the need to say it at the right time.

When Kathy and I first married we had a rule that we wouldn’t discuss anything too heavy in conversation after 10:00 p.m. Now mainly that is because I turn into a pumpkin at that time. While we have had to adapt that rule, depending on our circumstances, it still has validity. On the other side of this is we also don’t try to say too much early in the morning. The reason is because she is definitely not a "morning person." On weekends when Kathy gets up I usually have been up for a while. So my Rpm’s are really cranking. This is especially true on Saturdays when she gets to sleep in. She knows that if she greets me in too positive a tone that it is just like paying attention to your dog. I am ready to talk. Sometimes she’ll realize she made a mistake and say, with her hand in the halt position, "Shh….." Trust me; it’s not a good thing to bring up a question about the checkbook first thing of the morning.

Sometimes it just isn’t wise to initiate certain conversations at all. Now, if you come in from work and your wife doesn’t work outside the home and she’s been home with the kids, especially preschoolers, and she says to you, "I just don’t feel I accomplished anything today." Don’t say, "Why? You were home all day!" You see, timing is very important! Try to learn one another’s emotional energy cycles well enough to know when it isn’t a good time to talk. Granted, there will never be a good time to talk about some issues, but most conversations have their right time. When you’re cultivating communication with each other you understand that whatever it is you need to say to one another, you must find that right time to say it.

Another idea to cultivate communication is to say it nicely. (Proverbs 16:21) "The wise are known for their understanding, and instruction is appreciated if it's well presented." What the writer is saying is something we know: It’s not what you say but how you say it that counts!

I think one of the reasons we struggle with this is that we often bring into our marriage and home life the communication style we use at work. I have more times than I like to remember come home and use a sort of "command and control" type voice with Kathy and needless to say it has not been appreciated. We use our work tones with our spouse and family without thinking how it sounds. Just as we tell children to use their "inside voices" so we must remember to not use our "work voices" when we talk to our spouse.

What is the "sweetness" factor in our speech to our spouse? Do you feel that they don’t understand you? Your spouse loves you, but that doesn’t mean an abrasive tone in your voice is appealing. It may help to listen to the way you talk to your spouse compared with someone else. If your tone of voice is sarcastic and cutting or whining and complaining, there is no question that you need to sweeten your speech in such a way as to positively express your feelings. Cultivating communication learns the skill of saying it nicely.

There’s a third idea that I find in Proverbs. It’s this: Cultivating communication will mean learning to say it briefly. (Proverbs 10:19) "Don't talk too much, for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow!" While I realize we generally think of a woman as being more "wordy," it’s true for both parties. What the writer is reminding us is that the more you say the more chance there is for error or confusion. Quiet confidence is a very attractive quality of character. People who talk too much give the impression they are trying to convince themselves as well as you with what they are saying "He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding." (Proverbs 17:27). There are some things that we need to just "let it go" and not keep talking about it.

CNN reported that a man from Berlin, Germany, took an unusual approach in trying to bring peace to his marriage because his wife was talking too much. The story said that the man was using an old air raid siren to stun his wife into submission. "My wife never lets me get a word in edgeways," the man identified as Vladimir R. told the police. "So I crank up the siren and let it rip for a few minutes. It works every time. Afterwards, it's real quiet again." Police confiscated the 73-year-old man’s 220-volt rooftop siren after neighbors filed complaints. As for his wife of 32 years, she said "My husband is a stubborn mule, so I have to get loud." ("Man Uses Air Raid Siren to Quiet Wife," CNN.com, 4-19-03)

Whatever we say briefly may need to be said frankly or openly. Often marriage communication breakdowns can be saved by saying openly how you really feel. In our family, Kathy has taught me a little phrase that is brief but lets me know how she really feels. It’s this: "I need you to understand…" or, "I need you to know…." It’s a very simple tool but when I hear those words I know that the message that follows is one to which I need to pay attention. Cultivate communication by not saying too much – say it briefly.

As we said with saying things nicely to one another, saying what we need to say thoughtfully goes a long way toward cultivating communication. (Proverbs 16:23) "From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive." Most married couples are guilty of not thinking before they speak. The writer here admonishes us to think before we speak, adding "persuasiveness" to our words. The most dangerous place we fail to speak thoughtfully is when we are guilty of criticizing one another. Songwriter Jay Farrar says, "We quote each other only when we’re wrong." The verbal sparing is dangerous because our criticism can be very damaging.

A married couple had a quarrel and ended up giving each other the silent treatment. A week into their mute argument, the man realized he needed his wife's help. In order to catch a flight to Chicago for a business meeting, he had to get up at 5 a.m. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m." The next morning the man woke up only to discover his wife was already out of bed, it was 9 a.m., and his flight had long since departed. He was about to find his wife and demand an answer for her failings when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. He read, "It's 5 a.m. Wake up." They were communicating but it wasn’t very thoughtful!

Let me give you some ideas that may help: Rather than attacking the person, find a way to say how a certain event, comment or situation makes you feel. Also stating how you feel will mean that you avoid using "You…" statements and "Why…" questions. Again, when we say how we feel rather than pointing verbal fingers, it shifts the focus to the problem not the other person. If they are not threatened, then they are part of the solution, not the problem. Cultivate communication by saying what you need to say thoughtfully.

There’s one last idea that is vital to cultivating good, healthy communication: What you say needs to be said accurately and honestly. (Proverbs 21:28) "A false witness will be cut off, but an attentive witness will be allowed to speak." One way we fail to speak accurately is exaggerating: "I’ve told you a million times…." "You always…." "You never…." "Always" and "never" usually are exaggerations and should be used sparingly and then only in compliments. If you want your mate to treat your words seriously, you must speak as truthfully as you can.

Yet it is not only accuracy but also honesty that are at stake. Many times we don’t share deeply with one another the feelings we have inside. I will sometimes joke with Kathy and tell her I want to talk about "my problems" and "my feelings" but sharing or discussing our feelings is really nothing to joke about. I recognize that for men and for some women this is very hard. For women it can be hard because they have been wounded or hurt by previous attempts at speaking about their feelings honestly. We may fear rejection or ridicule if we expose them. "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips" (Proverbs 24:26). A kiss on the lips is reserved for those we love the most. It is an expression of our intimacy. Our deepest feelings should be directed toward our spouse.

One of the dangers is that if one of the partners in the marriage isn’t willing to listen to the others true feelings when they are shared honestly then they will be tempted to share those feelings with someone else. Far too often an extra-marital affair is created because one partner isn’t being heard when they try to communicate their feelings. They will find someone who will listen and that sharing opens the door to disaster! That isn’t an excuse but it is a reality and shows us the power of communication and the failure to communicate.

How do we know we are speaking honestly with one another? How can we tell we are communicating with each other? One way that is very simple is to listen to what you talk about when you are alone. I understand that persons at every level of marriage are challenged with time but when the kids are in bed or when you turn off the TV what do you say to each other? If your conversations with your mate consist of clichés or chitchat about other people, you are not communicating at a very deep level. But if you are sharing your thoughts and, more importantly your feelings, you are communicating with one another. To speak honestly invites another person to open himself or herself up to you. Listen deeply and learn from one another. Cultivate communication by speaking accurately and honestly.

The tragedy of failing to cultivate communication in marriage is that walls get built between you that are hard to bring down. The difference between a good marriage and a bad marriage is not the absence of problems but the ability of a husband and wife to talk about them. The silence that is never addressed becomes a reason for drifting apart. The walls that are built up can be torn down by two things: time and talk. We need time with each other and time to talk things over. Do this and watch the walls of silence and distance start tumbling down. "Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances," (Proverbs 25:11). Let’s use the right words and cultivate communication.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Dr. Bruce Tippit, Pastor

First Baptist Church

Jonesboro, Arkansas

btippit@fbcjonesboro.org