On this Mother’s Day we continue our series on The Essentials for Making Marriage Work. Our first essential was "Trust God." The second essential was "Hurry Home." Today we look at the third essential, which is "Celebrate Differences." What I want us to see today is that we must choose to celebrate the differences we share as a married couple rather than reject them.

Whenever I do marriage counseling I will always ask a couple how they know that this person is right for them. I ask them what do they love about them that would cause them to want to spend the rest of their life with them. It never fails that the bride will get all teary and start saying things like, "Oh, because they understand me," or, "We can talk forever," and other things that I know she really means. The groom will say, "Oh, because she likes to do what I like," or, "She is someone I just want to be with all the time," and other things that I know they really mean. It will not be until about three or four weeks into their marriage that they suddenly discover not how much alike they are but how very different they are. It’s not what couples do about their similarities that make their marriage work; it is what they do about their differences that make the marriage successful.

This morning I want us to accept that differences in marriage partners are something to be expected. I also want us to explore the sources of those differences and then discover ways that we can overcome our differences.

If we are going to celebrate our differences then we have to first be willing to accept that differences between individuals are to be expected. (Eph.5:21) "And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." This verse precedes Paul’s words to husbands and wives about their submission to one another. His command here is not directed at the relationship between spouses, because he will speak to that in verse 22, but here it is to the whole church. The word that he uses is a word that means, "to order under." It meant here that each believer was to order their life and their differences under the consideration of other members of the church. The motive for this was not to show how humble you were but it was to be done to show reverence for Christ.

When you apply it to marriage, you see that each partner in the marriage is to order his or her own differences under the differences of the other partner. Each one is to do this out of their own desire to show their reverence for the presence of Christ in their life. The reason this is so significant to a marriage is that because of our differences we assume that what makes me different is okay and should be accepted but what makes you different is really annoying and needs changing. Marriage can be described as the union of two imperfect people in an impossible relationship. Humanly speaking, it’s not supposed to work. Humanly speaking, the differences are so great that it is almost impossible to make it work. The miracle is that God does make it work. I’d go so far as to say that unless God works the miracle, it probably will not work out. In order for it to work both partners must be willing to order the differences of their lives under the uniqueness of the other.

Marriage is a lifelong process of building a union of two people who are so different, so far apart that without God’s power it isn’t going to work. Most people have as their model of marriage like this: Marriage is like buying a new car. So in this model, you buy a new car and drive it off the lot. It runs smoothly and smells good. It even comes with a factory XM radio and DVD screens. But after a little while, even though you park on the line, straddling two parking places, sooner or later your car gets door dings, the computer messes up, doesn’t run so smoothly and the kids throw up on the back seat. So in this model of marriage, it’s good to begin with, but after a period of time—8 years, 10 years, 15, 20 years—it starts to go bad. This model, therefore, says, what you’ve got to do is to try to get back to where you were in the beginning. Others say, maybe what I should do is go trade it in.

The model is clearly a wrong model for marriage. The reason is that it views the people in the marriage as good and perfect at the start. The truth is that the two people who are in the marriage are broken at the start. We have bought several cars from a local car dealer in town who buys wrecked Toyota’s, repairs them then sells them at a discounted price. This business owner takes what someone else considers unusable and makes it valuable. That is what God does in marriage: we are broken people at the start. What God asks us to do is to join him in making something valuable out of what was broken. What you are called upon to do is to begin to assemble and make something beautiful out of broken parts. The challenge becomes how to fit everything together.

The wonderful thing about this model is that it means that even though things may not be working right now, you are in the process of building something beautiful out of it. Differences are to be expected. You can’t fit the pieces of your differences with the pieces of your partner’s differences unless you are willing to submit your differences to the differences of your partner.

If differences are to be expected what are the sources of our differences? (Col.3:12-13a) "Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves…You must make allowance for each other's faults…" To be part of the church means coming to understand that it is made up of different kinds of people. God chooses to put us together with people who don’t look, act or think just like we do. Our ability to understand the differences we have with others in the church determines our effectiveness. The same is true in marriage. There are many significant sources of your difference and the more you can understand them, accept them, and can celebrate them, the better.

The most important is that God created us male and female. Marriage takes place between people of different sexes and that is where all the trouble starts. God established marriage between one man and one woman for one lifetime. He had real sense of humor because he made us different and then ordains that marriage should be between two of the most opposite things in his creation: Men and women!

We also bring different backgrounds to our marriage relationship. Each of us is brought up with a different way of understanding how a family operates. For many, the early stages of trying to put those broken parts together in a marriage, a lot of conflict that exists. That conflict is the result of bringing in different backgrounds and trying to see how they fit together in this new thing that is trying to be built.

We have different styles of communicating. We all want to communicate our desire to love and be loved. The way we do that is so very different. A man is like CNN Headline News-the same information every thirty minutes. A woman is like digital cable-something different on every channel.

We also bring different personalities. Not only different sexes with all that that means, but different personalities. There are many ways we can look at this personality issue in marriage. Some personalities are aggressive while others are laid back. Some are very gentle and others are very harsh. What is so funny is that God loves to out two opposite personalities together in one marriage!

These are just some of the things that are the sources of our differences. The idea behind understanding the source of your differences is that it implies that you will be more accepting rather than resistant. Once you start understanding the source of your partner’s differences the more likely you will be able to move closer to celebrating just how different you are.

Once we expect that we are different and understand the sources of those differences, how though can we overcome our differences in order to move to place of celebration? (Col.3:12-14) Differences are a given and understanding the sources of our differences is very important. What do you do though to overcome your differences that will make your marriage work? You can’t celebrate your differences if they are obstacles to you relationship. To do that you each must have an intentional commitment to working out your differences. God blesses us who take this matter seriously.

The first thing I want to recommend out of my own personal experience, as a way of dealing with your differences, is that you have to learn how to release your partner to be who God made them. Col. 3:12: "Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." Paul is advising these believers to relate to each other with a spirit of acceptance and understanding. You cannot do that with other Christians or with your spouse as long as you are trying to shape them into what you want them to be. If you are going to have any hope of overcoming your differences then it will be essential for you to release your spouse to be who and what God wants them to be. So you have to learn to release your partner to be who God made them.

The second step I would suggest to you, as a way of overcoming your differences is to work hard at understanding your differences. Paul said, "You must make allowance for each other's faults…" (Col. 3:13a) The words that are translated "make allowance" for one another really means "holding yourselves back from one another." Can’t you see the restraint that is going on here? The easiest thing to do is to refuse to restrain yourselves and just explode at your spouse because of their differences. It is work though to try to understand what makes you different. We bring into the marriage relationship a lot of unfinished business, a lot of baggage. I wish there were a way we could shed it all before we unite ourselves in marriage but we don’t. God has designed marriage as a process that when used properly has a way of bringing healing to us as people. You have to understand these differences. You need to be patient, to pay attention to what background factors contribute to these differences.

Thirdly, I think that you have to learn to forgive those differences. Paul goes on to say, "…forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."(Col.3:13b) Now, because of our humanness and differences as well, we develop certain attitudes toward each other. Those attitudes become places of resentment toward each other. For that reason you’ve got to forgive and learn to forgive. You’re going to see imperfections in each other. One of the main ingredients of being able to celebrate your differences is the union of two good forgivers. If you can learn to forgive every day, you’re going to be set free. Forgiving means we are choosing to give up my right to hurt you back. We always want to hurt each other and say something back. "I deserve it. You said this to me, I can say this to you." The one who is set free is the one who forgives. Forgive quickly.

Learn to give "love gifts" to each other. Col. 3:14 says, "And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony." A love gift is something you give to someone else when you don’t want to do it. There are several rules about love gifts. The first rule about giving a love gift is that you may not ask for it. If you ask for a love gift you disqualify yourself from getting it. The second rule about love gifts is this: If you give a love gift—that’s something you do for your partner out of love even though you don’t want to do it yourself—you may not complain when you’re doing it. You forfeit the right to complain about it. The third principle about giving love gifts is that the one who gives the gift is the one who gets the blessing.

Develop common interests. Col. 3:15a, "And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are all called to live in peace." Marriage means that people make a decision to live life together—intentionally. Living together intentionally will require working to find out the things that you can do together. The longer you are married the more you will feel the pull away from each other. Couples that overcome their differences find the things that they can do together.

God honors us if we take our differences seriously. But overcoming is not about one person winning and the other person losing. It is moving to a place of celebration of those differences. Paul describes this spirit of celebration in verse 17, "And whatever you do or say, let it be as a representative of the Lord Jesus, all the while giving thanks through him to God the Father." The goal is for us to be able to accept understand and overcome our differences and then celebrate them as two people sharing life together in God’s presence.

I want to read to you a portion of a letter written by one of our TV watchers that moved me deeply and describes the kind of love that meets the challenge of overcoming differences and learning to celebrate them. She writes of the loss of husband some years ago but then in a very touching way reminds us of just how little it takes to make this thing called marriage work:

"I always stuck 'I love you' notes in my husband's clothes as I pressed them. When he died, I pinned the 'I Love You' note in his pocket so it would not get lost. Why don't you stick a few short notes in your wife's Bible, her cookbook, purse or other items? When my husband came in from work I usually met him at the door. If I didn't, he found me for a hug.

"My husband would say (and Cokes in the refrigerator), 'Let's go to town and get a Coke.' He would drive up town 6-1/2 miles to get a Coke and we drove around town, sipped the Coke and talked--no TV, no radio. I remember the happiness-- four babies in a shotgun house. The happiness before the children in a two-room house and an outdoor toilet. If I could have my husband with me, I would be happy living in a cardboard box under the Interstate. He knew it. If he could have given me a Cadillac car, a fur coat and diamonds, he would have--and I knew it. I want to scream to the world, 'If you have someone that loves you, try harder every day to keep them.'

"They say behind every good man is a great woman. Yours has to be super great. Give her notes to show her you care. Take her for short rides in the car--to get a Coke while the kids are in school. Get the Coke at a drive-in so it’s just you and her, it’s hard with children, for few minutes to talk. Pick her up a book at the library or a magazine off a rack--something she would like. Plot with Trey Stafford to see which one can come up with the best ideas. He probably could use help.

"My husband used to set the VCR if I was afraid I would miss a program I wanted to see. He bought a small TV that would go in my purse. So I would go to his farm auction sales he liked to attend and I would sit in the truck with a book or TV. Once I knitted an entire Afghan--just to have lunch with him after the farm auction.

"Go one step out of your way to be nice, to show you love them. Oh, how I would love to get that across to everyone. They leave a way too soon. We did things together. At one time I used to stick pecans in his pocket. He started gaining weight and I had to stop, so I started the notes. Don't do ice cream."

Make your marriage work by celebrating your differences. Life is just way to short to do otherwise!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Dr. Bruce Tippit, Pastor

First Baptist Church

Jonesboro, Arkansas

btippit@fbcjonesboro.org