"Families in a Fix: Second Chance"
(I Samuel 1:1-11)
Main Idea: Prayer helps blended families have a second chance at being what God desires.
Today we want to talk about blended families. We are going to talk about how prayer will help a blended family have a second chance at being what God and they desire their family to be.
One of the romance shows on the The Learning Channel is called "Second Chance." The show offers people a second chance for reconnecting with a long lost love. It may have been an old high school boyfriend or college girlfriend but the participants are given a second chance to see if the old flame is really there and if they are willing to risk exposing their emotions to the question of "I wonder if…." The show says that these true "Life Unscripted" stories are "heartwarming, intriguing and always dramatic." (TLC website)
I believe for most people who want a second chance at marriage that being divorced or a single parent is not something they would have scripted into life. The "script" that is written as the result of divorce especially is one of heartache, hurt, pain and broken dreams. I believe, however, that persons who choose to remarry do so because they want a "second chance" at being married. There is something innately driving human beings to seek companionship with another man or woman and they are willing to risk any potential of hurt for that second chance.
However, when those two previously married people become married, they more often than not bring with them children and relationships from their previous marriage that are suddenly thrown into the blender of their family. It may come out a "smoothie" or resemble the sound of gravel but you just don’t know when you say, "I do," for a second chance. In fact "step-something" families are predicted to out number non-blended families by 2007. Today about 60% of the population are blended families, totaling about 5.5 million families. (U.S. News and World Report, 11/19/99).
Blended families have their particular struggles. Together they have to learn to negotiate compromises about religion, discipline, money, food, parental visits and new brothers and sisters. (U.S. News and World Report, 11/29/99). Because there are so many critical issues that surround a blended family and not experiencing personally the unique struggles of a blended family, I wanted to be careful about how I approached this. I decided that the one thing that would apply to either a blended or a non-blended family is the need and urgency of prayer within that family. For that reason I chose one of the many blended families in the Bible and wanted to see how prayer made a difference. The family is the blended family of Hannah, the mother of Samuel.
The story of Hannah is one of my favorites in the scripture. Her personal name meant "grace" or "charming." She was one of the two wives of Elkanah and, as I said, is the mother of the great Old Testament figure of Samuel. Hannah’s story is found in I Samuel 1-2 and tells of her being unable to have a child for several years. She made a vow to the Lord that if he would give her a son then she would dedicate the child to God. God answered her prayer with a son whom she gave to the Lord’s service. Later on, Hannah had other sons and daughters.
As we look at how Hannah prayed in the real life struggles of a blended family, I want us to see what the problems are that hinder s successful blended family, how prayer is a source of hope for a second chance and what the results are because of effective prayer.
What are some of the sources of problems for blended families that hinder them having a second chance at being successful in their marriage and family? It was fascinating to discover that some of the ones that face blended families today were ones that Hannah faced thousands of years ago. I Samuel 1:1-2 presents us with an immediate reality—a blended family faces problems that a non-blended family does not. Why? Because a blended family is often the result of something that is not God’s ideal.
I Samuel 1:2 states that Hannah’s husband had two wives. This was, seemingly, culturally accepted but it doesn’t mean this was God’s ideal. Jesus said very clearly that God’s ideal was one man and one woman for one lifetime. Jesus said "…from the beginning 'God made them male and female.' And he said, 'This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.' Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together." "Then why did Moses say a man could merely write an official letter of divorce and send her away?" they asked. Jesus replied, "Moses permitted divorce as a concession to your hard-hearted wickedness, but it was not what God had originally intended." (Matt. 19:3-8) The result is that particularly where divorce occurs there are just some added issues when two families are blended. That doesn’t mean they can’t be resolved; it simply means they are just there.
Other problems that blended families face are exposed in I Samuel 1:3-8. The story tells us that every year Elkannah would take his two wives and his children to the Tabernacle at Shiloh for an annual sacrifice and celebration. After he would offer the sacrifice on the altar, the priest, Eli, would give portions back to Elkannah to give to his family. He gave Peninnah and her children their share but to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her so much and because "the Lord had given her no children."
Naturally, this caused jealousy between Peninnah and Hannah. Peninnah’s way of dealing with it was to hurt Hannah where she was most vulnerable—having no children. Peninnah did this year in and year out but particularly at a time of deepest spiritual connection – "as they went to the Tabernacle." It got so bad that it would devastate Hannah, reducing her to tears and refusing food. Elkannah’s response is a typical "guy" response. "‘What's the matter, Hannah?’ Elkanah would ask. ‘Why aren't you eating? Why be so sad just because you have no children? You have me—isn't that better than having ten sons?’"(v. 8) "Why are you crying, upset and not eating? You’ve got me!" I’m sure Hannah wanted to say, "You just don’t get it, do you?"
Those verses point out several areas of problems for blended families. One is what I call "the way things are." For whatever reason God had chosen not to allow Hannah to have a child, that was just the way it was. When two families come together there is a lot of "the way things are." Stuff you didn’t have any choice in and your certainly don’t have control in now and, like it or not, that’s "the way things are." Another source is the sinful choices of others. Peninnah chose to abuse Hannah. People in blended families make sinful choices like anger, jealousy, envy, resentment and manipulation. All of those are just very real and they are problems. However, for persons who are seeking to follow a Christ-like model for your blended family, there is the reality that some problems are based in spiritual warfare. Did you notice that the taunts got worse "as they went to the Tabernacle"? Is it any wonder that when persons try to raise the spiritual atmosphere in their home that Satan tries to stop it? Paul said, "For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms." (Eph. 6:12) Some problems are just spiritual!
What was Elkannah’s response? Well-meaning but misdirected. Solutions that may be applied to conflict in a blended family may be the result of misdirected motives. James said that misdirected motives are a part of the problem itself. "What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn't it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? You want what you don't have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous for what others have, and you can't possess it, so you fight and quarrel to take it away from them. And yet the reason you don't have what you want is that you don't ask God for it. And even when you do ask, you don't get it because your whole motive is wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure." (James 4:1-3) James points out that even when you pray you are still praying with the wrong motives!
Does that mean we don’t pray? No, it means we discover a new level of prayer! What I want us to see now is that prayer is the one essential source of hope for a second chance in a blended family.
Hannah has lived with the abuse from Peninnah year after year but one year she had had enough. Yet, rather than lash out at Peninnah or to Elkanah, she went to the Tabernacle to pray. You don’t get the idea that she had never thought of this before; it is, though, that this time the intensity is different. Her pain compelled her prayer! The depth of her prayer that is described here is very moving. She prayed in "deep anguish" and "crying bitterly." Another translation says "bitterness of soul." Hannah may have prayed before and we know she had cried before but this time she cried and she prayed both at the same time. Her prayer and her anguish were focused on God.
Of all the positive things that you might do in a blended family to resolve the problems you face the most essential is prayer. The kind of prayer that is described here is just nothing more than gut wrenching prayer. John White says that prayers like this express a longing that God always understands. Hannah allowed her problem, her pain, to connect deeply with her faith. She believed that God was there and would hear the aching in her heart. So the question is, "Has your pain and your faith connected at a level where you are willing to pray in deep anguish and crying bitterly?"
Why do you need to pray like this? I do not know that is a requirement but I do know that unless we express the depth of our pain we will continue to carry it around with us, allowing it to control us and our emotions. Do you need to pray every time like this? No, because then it shows you are trying to manipulate God rather than express the deepest longing of your heart. I do believe that prayer at this level and degree does enable us to connect with God’s Spirit within us in a more intensified way than we could without it. Paul said, "And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." (Rom. 8:26-27 NLT)
Richard Foster says about prayer like this: "I do know that unless the emotive center of our lives is touched, it is as if a fuse remains unlit. Tears are a sign—not an infallible sign, to be sure, but a sign nevertheless—that God has touched this center" (Prayer, p. 41). Hannah’s center had been touched deeply by God and the tears flowed.
The content of Hannah’s prayer is just as important as the emotion that flowed from it. In verse 11 she recognizes God’s controlling purpose, his absolute attention, narrows her request and places herself in God’s hands for his will to be accomplished. Regardless of our problem, whether within a blended family or not, Hannah’s prayer is a model for anyone whose pain has compelled such deep prayer. Our prayer can often be little more than, "God, make them do what I want," when it needs to reflect a depth of recognition of God’s controlling purpose that pleads for his attention to our need, which narrows our request. It’s not that God is ignorant of our need but it is that by acknowledging His power, presence and concern we then are more focused in our prayer. The question is, "How much faith does your prayer reflect?"
You know when you get to this level of prayer you will be misunderstood. All the time Hannah was praying Eli the priest was watching her. He assumed by the way she was acting that she was drunk! In fact he tells her to go home if she wants to act like that. She tells him, "I am very sad, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord…I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow" (I Sam. 1:15-16). Others may know of your problems and have given you a variety of solutions but when you choose to pray at this level you will be misunderstood. But what do you care what others think? What matters is what is happening between you and God. Of the things you might do to give your blended family hope for a second chance the most essential is praying, gut level, tear filled, soul-searching prayer. The psalmist said, "Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy" (Psa. 126:5).
What is the result when we pray at this level and with this intensity? Does it mean that our problem and our pain immediately go away? Not necessarily, but what happens is we are changed. "Prayer causes us to think differently about whatever we are praying about, including other people for whom we are praying. Spending time in prayer gives you fresh ideas to solve your daily problems" (www.blendingafamily.com).
In verses 12-23 we discover that Hannah’s prayer was answered but, more, Hannah’s attitude was different. In verse 18, after Eli tells her God will answer her prayer, she went back to the family and began to eat and was no longer sad. In verses 19-20, when it came time to come back to worship again, there is no mention of conflict or concern on Hannah’s part. After she had her son she stayed home while everyone else went to worship, which could have been seen as backing out on her promise but she is simply waiting for the right time (v. 21-22). Even Elkanah’s reaction is different. Rather than demanding for her to join them, he tells her simply, "Do what you think is best.’ (v. 13) I know that Hannah had her prayer answered specifically but more than that what happened in her was the key—she had hope!
I believe for blended families that this is the most important result from praying within your families. Prayer gives you something new that you didn’t have before—hope! Prayer that results in hope gives you a new perspective. It gives you God’s heart to become sensitive to the needs of your family. It also gives you a new attitude. You start to see opportunities to make positive change—usually starting with yourself. You discover a new desire to act in a positive way. In other words, you start to implement the opportunities for positive change. Finally, there is a new reaction. Because you have changed, your genuine concern will draw your spouse and your family to you. "People will change in response to our changes! The reaction may not be immediate—your family members may wait to see if your new attitudes and actions are temporary, or a true sustained change in your heart." (www.blendingafamily.com)
I will not promise you that if you pray as intensely as Hannah that everything will change—her ex-husband will stop being so difficult or that her son will stop his "attitude," but I do know you will be different. And my question is, "What have you got to lose?"
We’ve talked about the problems that blended families have, how that prayer is an essential source of hope and some of the changes that result when we pray. What are some goals that you might have as you try to act on what you have heard today? Think about these:
For those of you in a blended family I know that deep down inside of you is a desire that this "second chance" really work. For whatever reason you have found yourself in another marriage, you may feel this is your last chance to get it right. There are so many things you can do, need to do, and want to do. But the only thing God wants to know is, "Can you trust me?" If your answer is "yes," then his response is, "Then trust me and leave this matter with me. You know who I am." "Then she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad" (I Sam 1:18). Prayer is essential for blended families to have a second chance! Prayer is essential for families in a fix!
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Dr. Bruce Tippit, Pastor
First Baptist Church
Jonesboro, Arkansas
(An excellent resource for blended families is www.blendingafamily.com.)