Introduction: Today we continue our series called "Families in a Fix." On this Mother’s Day we want to talk about parenting. There is a show on The Learning Channel called "Faking It!" The premise of the show is that it gives people a chance to do something they have never done but always wanted to do. The show involves people who for one reason or another want to see what another profession would be like. For example, a kindergarten teacher tries her skills as a police officer, a sheep-shearer becomes a hairstylist in Beverly Hills and a woman in a dry cleaner attempts to work as a fashion designer. In order to try these new skills a group of professionals in that field will mentor the person and try to get them to a place where they can "fake it" as the real deal. The challenge is whether or not they will "fake it and make it or flake out and fail" (TLC Website).

I will admit to you that’s a little like parenting. When that child comes into your life you wonder whether you are going to make it or flake out and fail. One thing is true, though, you can’t fake it! Yet that is what we try to do. We are sometimes afraid to admit to ourselves, our spouse, our children, our friends, and to God that we really don’t have a clue! Now understand me—it is not a bad thing to admit that. Because when we admit we can’t "fake it," it will cause us to be more dependent on God and less dependent on ourselves. The danger is that when we are too arrogant to admit we don’t have a clue and then we try to fake it there is harm done not only to those we parent but also to ourselves.

What happens when we try to "fake it"? What happens is that we lose the most essential ingredient of our parenting and that is our integrity. Our scripture for today says, "The godly walk with integrity." That doesn’t mean you have all the answers or that you never make a mistake. It means that you can be counted on to live your life in such a way that your character is not a question. The parent who parents with integrity doesn’t pretend to be something they are not but is authentic and honest before God and before their children. The result is that the children who are influenced by our integrity are the ones who benefit the most. The Bible says their lives have God’s blessing on them. The Message Bible says that those who are "living honest lives make it much easier for their children." If you and I want better things for our children it starts with our being parents of integrity!

How do you parent with integrity? Well, you do it by being understanding that when it comes to parenting: things are caught not taught. They will catch who we are rather than what we say we are. A new book by Laurence Steinberg called The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting has this principle as No. 1 of ten. He says that principle No. 1 is "What you do matters." He shows that there is concrete scientific proof for a "connection between what parents do and how their kids turn out" (Newsweek.com. May 3, 2004). That says things are caught not taught. Children pay far more attention to our behavior than to what we say.

The late Gilda Radner wrote a book called It’s Always Something. In that book she wrote this, "When I was little my cousin had a dog. Just a mutt and the dog was pregnant. I don’t know how long dogs are pregnant but she was due to have her puppies in about a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawn mower and her two hind legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet and he said, ‘I can sew her up or you can put her to sleep if you want. But the puppies are ok. She will be able to have the puppies.’ My cousin said let’s keep her alive. So the vet sewed up her backside and over the next week the dog learned to walk. She didn’t spend any time worrying. She just learned to walk by taking two steps in front and flipping up her backside. Then taking two steps in front then flipping her backside again. She gave birth to six little puppies all of them in perfect health. She nursed them and weaned them and when they learned how to walk they all walked just like she did. Taking two steps in the front and then flipping up their backside."

Why did the puppies learn to walk that way? Because babies are great imitators of their parents. Things are caught not taught. Children have never been very good at listening to their parents but they have never failed to imitate them.

If our children catch what we do then what should we be doing? I have adapted an acrostic from Craig Jutlia (Children’s Minister, Saddleback Valley Community Church) as a way to guide us. The acrostic is the word MODEL

Yesterday our oldest daughter, Jennifer, graduated from Ouachita Baptist University and our youngest daughter Amy has finished her freshman year at the same school. It seems like only yesterday that we were bringing them home from the hospital and now we’re moving them home from college. There’s a lot of life that has been poured out in between those moments. The question that every parent asks themselves is, "Did I make the time count?"

"So be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days." (Ephes. 5:15-16) Paul reminds us that there is a foolish way to live our lives and a wise way to live our lives. The foolish way is to be careless about the way we live our lives and the wise way is to be careful about the way we live. A person who is wise sees the reality that time isn’t on their side and, therefore, must make the time and opportunities they have count.

This applies to us when it comes to parenting: wise parents make time count! How do we do that? I believe we do that by showing them that they are more important than our work. In other words, they count more than our in-box, e-mails, calls, trips or promotions. I realize I just dumped a ton of guilt on myself and on you because this is the one area where I have struggled and most parents struggle. I don’t know how you can communicate it but they need to know they count more than your work.

How do you get there? You get there by remembering that time is all you have and by choosing to value the time that is yours. Time is all that we have. You can’t change much about your children except the way you use your time. As your children get older there will be fewer opportunities you have to choose how you will use your time. When they are younger you are making decisions for them. When they mature you are more along for the ride. It has taken me way too long to realize that much of what I do in my career is forgettable and most of what I gain is expendable. My children are neither. You stop "faking it" when you make your time count.

What is a teachable moment? Well I’m not sure all the factors that came before this but Shannon and Jeff Puryear made a decision to prohibit their boys from using any word that ends with "head." I’m not sure what got them there but that was a teachable moment.

While we are emphasizing that more of our parenting is caught than taught, it doesn’t mean we don’t provide guidance and instruction. Deut. 6:4-7 says, "And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down and when you are getting up again."

Notice that the emphasis on instruction begins with the parent before it passes on to the child. We must love God totally and commit ourselves wholeheartedly before we can teach our children anything. Our instruction flows out of who we are first before it can flow into our children. So let me ask you one thing: "Are you trying to fake it with God and your children?" You can fake me out because I’m pretty easy, but you can’t fake God out because He knows your heart. You, as well, can’t fake your kids out because they know what you are really like. See, it starts with you and with me.

How do we teach them? The Bible says we do it by repetition and conversation. After we are genuinely committed to God ourselves then we repeat what we know about God over and over to our children. When do we do that? We do it as we go about living our lives in their presence. That says two things to us: One, we need to be present and, two, we need to have conversation. If we are not present and we are not available to talk, then there will be little teaching done. And here’s the real challenge—you and I don’t really know when that teachable moment is going to come! Therefore, if we are absent at times when we could be present or we are distracted when we need to be engaged, then we can miss the moment! You prevent faking it as a parent by observing teachable moments.

The Bible recommends that we have fun! Ecclesiastes 8:15 says, "So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people to do in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them." Now I realize that my family and my co-workers are aware of what a party animal I am. I am always "living on the edge, chillin’, just lettin’ it roll!" O.k., that’s a lie, but that’s why I said that one of the things we need to do is to "determine to have fun."

Now you can read that as if to say, "We’re going to have fun even if it kills us!" And I am sure we have all been there. Yet, more what I’m saying is that unless you are a very spontaneous person, then most of us have to plan or determine to have fun. Why do you have to plan or determine to have fun? The writer of Ecclesiastes says because life works against your joy. He points out that life has responsibilities and those responsibilities involve hard work. Life, allowed to go unmanaged, is not going to provide us "fun" by itself. It is something we must plan to do.

Now one thing we have to understand is that even when we determine to have fun, things may not work out as we planned. Trey and Jenna Stafford have Ellie, who is 5, and John David, Chaz and Treyson, who are all 3. Recently, Trey wanted to take all the kids to get some ice cream. Jenna was out of town so he was trying to be a fun Dad. They usually go to Baskin-Robbins but since the ice cream is hard and it makes such a mess, they were going to go to TCBY and get cups of soft frozen yogart. They drive around, place their order and then pull up to the window to pay. Trey pulls out his debit card. That’s when he found out that TCBY doesn’t take debit cards and he has no cash. Well, you can imagine all that’s going on in the car seats with the promise of ice cream and no money. So, he apologizes and pulls away and heads to Baskin-Robbins where they do take debit cards. The kids get ice cream and the back seat does too! Now, that is being determined to have fun! Now what makes this story even greater is when I called Jenna to ask permission to use the story she didn’t know a thing about it! We all do it differently but don’t wait for it to happen – determine to have fun!

The definition of encouragement is to bring hope, courage, or confidence to someone. It’s breathing life into them. It’s breathing courage, confidence and hope into their life. Heb. 10:24 says, "Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds." He says what we have seen in some other passages that someone has to think, plan and determine ways to be an encouragement, implying that without thought that won’t happen on its own.

So who is the one responsible for the encouragement of our children? We are! Why is it so hard for us to be an encourager to our children? The main reason is in the way we see or how we understand our children. Sometimes a parent can see a child as an obstacle to their own goals or agendas. "I could really be sailing through life if it weren’t for my responsibilities to my kids." Others may see them as adversaries. They are not just in the way but they are also working, in your mind, against you. That happens to all of us. Things aren’t going well and you and your child suddenly are the enemy of the other. A parent may also be guilty of seeing a child as a drain on their energy. They do drain our energy because they are children but the danger comes when that is all they are in our mind. So if our view of our children is that they are an obstacle, enemy or drain, then we are not going to want to be very encouraging.

How do we need to see them? We need to see them as a gift from God. I know that is hard when relationships are strained and there is deep tension. Yet whether that child is your own blood or has been given to you by another to care for, they are to you a gift. When we see them as a gift then we want to lift their life and breath hope into them!

Why do we need to encourage them? Because life works against them. Our children are faced with more of life that works to eliminate anything positive in their life than at any other time in our history. Ask any child or teacher in our schools and they will tell you just how hard it is for our children today. That’s not the problem of the schools. It’s the problem of the homes and culture in which children live. The schools only receive what our homes send them.

How do we encourage our children? I think we first encourage them with our presence—just being where they are or having them with you. Another is by our words—saying verbally words like, "I love you," "You are great," "You can do it," "I’m on your side." Then to touch them—physically embracing them, holding them and through your hands communicating, "I care." Lastly, we encourage through prayer. You can do a lot to encourage your children but if you are not praying for them then you are failing to provide the one resource for them that will be there when you are not, when your words can’t be heard and your touch can’t be felt. You can’t fake real encouragement to your children.

Difficult experiences happen in all our families. If I have learned one thing in 30 years of ministry it is that problems in families are no respecter of age. There is not one family that is not going to face problems. James says that that’s the way it is going to be in life. "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything."(James 1:2-4)

Now the issue is if things are more caught than taught, what our kids learn about difficulty they learn from us. So the truth is they will respond like we respond. So how do you respond? James says it is to be an opportunity for joy! I’m guessing that there are few of us for whom joy is our first response to difficulty, trouble or testing. Yet our response is to be one of joy, endurance, growth and character.

You say, "Bruce, I’ve never known anyone like that!" Then I say that you have missed meeting some wonderful people. One of those wonderful people is Woodrow "Woody" Harrrelson. Mr. Harrelson is reaching quickly the end of his days. For years he and Agnes were like the spine of this church family. He has served as a deacon, usher, committee member, friend and encourager to many in our church. Woody served in combat in World War II and retired from the furniture business some years ago. Each day for Woody is a gift.

One day this week I stopped by the house after being notified of his having a particularly hard night. I spoke with Woody and Agnes for a bit and later their son Bob and I stepped outside. Bob talked about several things that were special about his Dad but the one that stuck with me was, "He’s the only person I have ever known that I have never heard complain." He went on to explain some circumstances that others may have found negative but Woody didn’t complain. Now I don’t know the degree to which Woody’s example has transmitted itself to the children but the point is that how Woody responded to difficulty was a model for how we should respond! You just can’t fake how you respond to difficulty.

Conclusion: As a parent what kind of model are you? What you do—not what you say—matters more to your child’s development than anything else. What kind of model are you? You may have come here today without a positive model for how you should parent. You may have found as a child that your model has been shattered by the actions of your parent or parents. You are struggling today just to keep the pieces together. What can you do?

Maybe what you need to do is to invite Jesus Christ to be your model. He only is the perfect parent and he longs to help you be the model to your child but it starts with your focus on him. That is the best gift you could give your children--the model of a heart fully surrendered to God.

Perhaps you need to improve in one of these areas: making your time count, observing teachable moments, determining to have fun, encouraging your children and learning from difficulty. Get serious about that one area that is the needing improvement most and give your attention to that one place.

Things are caught by our children more than they are taught. What you do as a parent matters more than what you say. Are you tired of faking it as a parent? Then maybe it’s time to accept the job you have and be a model!

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Dr. Bruce Tippit, Pastor

First Baptist Church

Jonesboro, Arkansas

btippit@fbcjonesboro.org