"Desperate Husbands and Wives: Desperate for Trust"
(Ephesians 4:17-25)
Main Idea: A marriage built on healthy trust depends on total honesty.
Erosion is the process that occurs in nature that creates changes on the surface of the earth. Certain forces of nature like wind, water, ice, volcanoes and earthquakes cause erosion to occur. The forces of erosion are constantly changing the face of our planet. They may happen quickly like the mudslides in California recently or the avalanches in Utah. "More often than not, erosion happens so slowly that you can’t even see it. Over time the simple act of running water down hill can not only carve out a hole the size of the Grand Canyon, but it can literally move mountains." (www.teacher.scholastic.com.)
Every marriage or relationship begins with a certain degree of implicit trust. Trust is that intangible feeling of confidence and security that a person places in the words, character and behavior of someone else. Trust in a marriage is like an anchor that grips your relationship securely in the face of the storms that come against you. Trust in a marriage is like the foundation upon which you build your hopes and dreams for the health of your marriage. You can’t touch trust or hold it, yet you breath the air of it from the moment you meet the one you call your husband or wife.
But then something happens that begins the slow, tortured process of erosion of trust. You sense something. You see something. You hear something. You feel something. You know something. Then like water slowly running downhill, the surface of your trust begins to erode. It washes away. Over time the security, the anchor, the hopes, the dreams are all gone because the trust that once held you together has been so eroded that there is a hole the size of the Grand Canyon that divides you. The problem is you don’t know if there is any way you can trust them again because the hole is just too deep. And it all started because either of you failed to be totally honest.
Today we continue talking about "Desperate Husbands and Wives." We have said that marriages are desperate for closeness, and companionship. Today we want to talk about the fact that husbands and wives are desperate for trust. It has been my experience as a pastor that healthy trust in a marriage is an absolutely indispensable quality. I have seen couples make it through all kinds of crisis and problems because of the love that bound them together. Yet the one thing that causes more marriages to risk coming apart is where trust has been eroded, either suddenly or steadily, and you don’t know if the other partner has the strength to allow it to be rebuilt. What couples fail to see is that honest/open communication is essential to avoid the erosion of trust and the destruction of security. What I want us to see today is that a marriage built on healthy trust depends on total honesty.
Our scripture passage for today is a reminder from Paul to the Ephesian church that they were to leave behind the old behaviors of their past. They were, in turn, to renew themselves spiritually with the fresh life that was theirs in Christ. He mentions that while those around them had lost all direction about what was right and wrong, they were, however, to reject deception and admonishes them in verse 25 to, "put away falsehood and tell your neighbor the truth; because we belong to each other." Paraphrasing this for our marriages, I would say, "Get rid of anything that smells like a lie and tell each other the truth because you belong to each other!" I believe these verses point us to understand how trust can erode in a marriage, how it can grow in a marriage, and how it can thrive in a marriage.
How does the erosion of trust begin in a marriage? I believe that trust erodes when we become careless with the truth. (Eph. 4:17-19). In verses 17-19 Paul warns these Christians of the danger of living a life that contradicts their faith. The persons around them are those who have lost all spiritual direction, are resistant to change and have become reckless about things that are right and wrong. He tells them this because their life was to be a dramatic contrast to those around them.
I’m not sure how it happens but persons who are Christian in a marriage relationship can do the same thing that Paul warns about here. They lose their spiritual focus, they become resistant to the Spirit of God, and they begin to get careless with what is right and wrong. When you get careless about what is right and wrong you will lie and you will lie to the one you vowed to always tell the truth. You lie about money, relationships, work, feelings, words, activities, conversations, and on and on. When you become careless about the truth, trust in your marriage has started to erode. What some can’t seem to get in their head is that lying has no place in any marriage but most of all a Christian marriage.
William Harley in his book His Needs, Her Needs points out that there are four kinds of liars in a marriage:
Every couple has certain rhythms or patterns. We do things a certain way at a certain time. We are creatures of habit. Then we suddenly break our habit. We may be spontaneous but suddenly the spontaneity becomes a habit or a pattern. When that happens, one partner starts to smell something.
They can’t put their finger on it but something has happened in the "force" and you know that the truth has been compromised. What couples can’t understand is that after a while lies start to stink. The more you tell it the worse it smells. One day the truth is discovered and you know that the trust you once stood on has now been washed away. And it all started when one of you became careless with the truth.
If trust erodes when we are careless with the truth, then trust will grow when we are careful handling the truth. (Eph. 4:20-24). In verses 20-24 Paul reminds these believers of the truth that they have known in Jesus. He advises them to reject whatever their past life had been and to allow their mind to be renewed. Then, as a result, they would express their true spiritual nature. Two of the things they were to get rid of were "lust and deception" because they were new people.
I want to say something to men, mainly, here. Men, as Christians you are to have nothing to do with pornography, whether print, video, Internet or by phone. If there is one thing that will shatter trust in your marriage it will be your participation in pornography. Many Christian men get sucked into it and feel shame over it but are unable to be free. If this is an area you are struggling with, I say these things not to heap more guilt on you but to say you have got to get some help to remove it from your life. Your attraction to pornography is a cancer that will eat away at the core of trust in your marriage. You cannot afford to do anything less than radically, thoroughly and totally remove anything that smells like pornography in your life!
They were also to get rid of "deception." The reason we are to get rid of deception in a marriage is because lying destroys the emotional stability of your marriage while telling the truth builds it. When you began your marriage relationship you released your right to privacy, in the sense of hiding part of your self from your spouse. That means where you go, who you are with, who you talk to, what you talk about, what you read, what you think, what you feel, what you say, what you don’t say. Our marriages are to be built on transparent honesty if we are going to be careful about handling the truth.
How can we be careful with the truth? First, remember who you are (v. 20-21). If you are a Christian, then act like it! You know better than to lie! Second, reject your past habits (v. 22). Whatever your habits were before in regards to lies and deception, then get rid of it! Third, change your thinking (v. 23). If lies and deception have been a pattern in your thinking, then allow God to change your thinking! He can begin to show you the value of the truth. Then as a result you can live free from the power of lies and deception (v. 24). Jesus said, "The truth will set your free," and it will! Your marriage can survive many things but no marriage can survive habitual dishonesty. If you are desperate for truth, then it starts by both of you being careful with the truth.
Trust erodes when we become careless with the truth and it grows when we are careful with the truth. Trust, though, will thrive when we are committed to tell the truth. (Eph. 4:25) After reminding these Christians how their lives should be a contrast to those who were not Christians and then admonishing them about their true identity, Paul says boldly "So put away all falsehood and "tell your neighbor the truth" because we belong to each other." (v. 25) That statement is not just one for relationships with other Christians, it is the atmosphere that creates a place where trust will thrive in a marriage. Telling the truth in your marriage is the foundation of trust for your marriage.
I read in one article this week this one line: "Do you know what you call somebody who shares their deepest secrets on their first date? Single!" The point is that in a marriage you don’t need to pull your dump truck of your past actions and every sinful thought and dump on your spouse and say, "Here, deal with it! I’m just being honest." You don’t need to know every graphic detail about what the other has done or thought. While we do release our right to privacy in our marriage, we, as well, do not have a right to inflict pain to get rid of our guilt. There are some things that need to be left between you and the cross of Jesus Christ.
When you and I say we are committed to telling the truth, it involves an atmosphere of trust. When you know your spouse loves you and won’t reject you, you won’t be afraid to be open about things that happened beyond your control like a disease, abuse as a child, certain financial situations or being the object of someone’s unwanted interest. The best safety net you’ve got is letting your spouse know when something like that happens. (Keeping Secrets, Tim Gardner, Marriage Partnership, Spring 1999)
What if you don’t have that atmosphere of love and trust? What if you have broken your trust with your spouse? How can you rebuild trust once it is lost?
When both of you are committed to the truth and telling the truth then trust finds a place to dig deep and allows your marriage to thrive!
Len Sullivan writes this poignant story: "In the late 1920’s my grandparents married and moved into Grandpa’s old family home. It was a clapboard house with a hall down the middle. In the ‘30s they decided to tear down the old house and build another to be their home for the rest of their lives.
"Much to my grandmother’s dismay, many of the materials of the old house were reused in their new house. They used old facings and doors, and many other pieces of the finishing lumber. Everywhere my grandmother looked, she saw that old house—old doors that wouldn’t shut properly, crown molding split and riddled with nail holes, unfinished window trimming. It was a source of grief to her. All her life she longed for a new house."
Much like that woman spent her life always seeing the old while wanting the new, so our marriage cannot thrive if we try to rebuild it using past actions, habits and attitudes. Dishonesty and distrust can’t be painted over and forgotten. For trust to thrive you’ve got to start over! And starting over starts today! If you long for a fresh start where trust has eroded, then it depends on total honesty. William Harley says, "Honesty is the best marriage insurance policy."
Sunday, February 6, 2005
Dr. Bruce Tippit, Pastor
First Baptist Church
Jonesboro, Arkansas