Main Idea: A couple creates companionship by mutually sharing life together.

Last January, Anne Hjelle and Debbie Nichols were friends who were mountain biking on a wilderness trail near Mission Viejo, California, when a 110-pound mountain lion sprang from the brush, pounced on Anne's back, and dragged her off by the head. Debbie screamed for help and grabbed Anne's legs, trying to free her and engaging in a desperate tug of war with the cat while other cyclists threw rocks at the cat until it fled.

Jacke Van Woerkom said she was riding behind Anne and Debbie and later spoke to Debbie at the hospital. "She had some blood on her face. She definitely showed signs of a major struggle," Jacke said. "She was shaking, trembling. She said, 'I was not going to let go. I was not going to let go.'" Debbie described the tenacity of the cat, saying, "This guy [the cat] would not let go. He had a hold of her face…" But the tenacity of the cat, was overcome by the faithfulness of a friend. She continued, "I just told her, 'I'm never letting go.'" (USA TODAY, 1/9/04) Just like Debbie refused to give up on her companion, I believe marriage is to be that one place where we hear someone say about the things that try to pull a couple apart, "I’m never letting go."

Today we continue our series called "Desperate Husbands and Wives." Last week we said that one thing that couples are desperate for is to be close to one another. We affirmed that being committed to staying close is what can keep a couple from coming apart. Today we want to talk about the need that husbands and wives have for companionship. While we live in a time where loneliness is at epidemic proportions God has designed marriage as the one place where the desperate need for companionship can be met. What I want us to see today is that the way a couple creates companionship is by mutually sharing life together.

I want us to go back to the main idea for this sermon again and break it down word for word. This idea of companionship is something that a "couple" does together. You can’t be a companion in isolation. The companionship that a couple should have is something that they "create." In other words, it’s not going to happen on its own. The goal is what I call "companionship." Another word is "comrade" or intimate friend or a pair or set of matching things. In other words, when a couple finds companionship they find the other part of themselves that makes them complete. How do you create companionship? You do it as a couple by mutually sharing life together. When I say "sharing life," I mean essentially talking to each other and doing things together. The word "mutually" is essential because it means that the talking and the activity go both ways. You equally share and bear the responsibility of creating companionship by sharing life together.

Just as the need for closeness is expressed differently for men and women, so is the need for companionship. For a woman to feel close to her marriage partner she needs affection—physical, verbal and tangible. For a guy to feel close, he needs physical intimacy. A woman feels companionship through conversation – talking with each other. A man feels companionship when a couple does things together. Most of you would agree with me that when you were dating or in the courtship stage of your marriage that you couldn’t find enough time to talk to each other and that there was an endless number of things you did together. It was that conversation and that activity that caused you mutually to feel in love with one another. A woman will say, "Oh, he just listens and talks to me. I just love it because we can talk for hours about everything." A guy says, "Oh, she loves to go jogging with me. I just love it because we’re outside and she loves what I love!" (Liars!)

But then the strangest thing happens—you get married and what you thought the other "loved" to do, now they don’t! The wife says, "Let’s talk!" The husband says, "I don’t have anything to talk about." The husband says, "Let’s go jogging!" The wife says, "It’s too hot!" Both of you suddenly realize that aliens have snatched the person you thought you married! Now it is just reality that the conversation and the activity you shared mutually before you married will lose its intensity. The problem is that husband and wife can grow farther apart if they don’t create companionship. And if it goes on, then you will leave your relationship vulnerable to someone who will be their companion. A man or a woman become desperate for companionship to overcome the loneliness of their life!

The writer of Ecclesiastes has some powerful things to say about companionship for any relationship but they are especially significant when you apply them to a marriage relationship. The writer describes someone who comes to the realization of just how lonely they are. He then tells of the benefits of companionship. So whether or not you are married, these principles have application for all of us.

Let’s ask first what happens when a couple no longer mutually shares life together? What happens is that they discover the pain of loneliness and isolation (Eccl.4:7-8). The writer describes this person as someone who is "all alone, without a child or a brother." The Message Bible describes them as a "solitary person, completely alone—no children, no family, no friends." This is a perfect picture of someone not only in a marriage but also in our culture. We have what Randy Frazee calls "crowded loneliness" (Making Room for Life) that in spite of the multitude of possible relationships available to us, we still as a culture are still isolated and lonely. It’s one thing to feel lonely in a hostile world but the pain is worse when you go home and you feel the pain of loneliness there.

What creates isolation and loneliness in a marriage? One thing is that we have allowed the activities and pursuits of our lives to keep us from making time for each other. The world and culture of our life works against us making time for each other. Dr. William Harley says in his book His Needs, Her Needs that for a healthy sense of companionship in a marriage that a couple needs 15 hours a week in conversation and activity! Now I think one thing he "needs" is to get real but nevertheless his point is that it takes time to create companionship. Our problem is that our life takes over our life and we only give the leftovers to the one we have given our promise to spend the rest of our life with! (Recommend Making Room for Life: Trading Chaotic Lifestyles for Connected Relationships, Randy Frazee)

Now our solution to our lack of creating time is to substitute material wealth for the time we can’t give. The writer says this person "works hard to gain as much wealth as possible." The Message Bible says, "working obsessively late into the night." Isn’t that a reflection of our life? We can’t give time so we buy things or work for a promotion so we can buy things and when we buy things then we think we will have time to enjoy the things we have bought! Yet the things you buy will never substitute for the life you should share! Randy Frazee says, "The excessive money of many Americans may be the single greatest obstacle to attaining a stress-free lifestyle." (Making Room for Life, p. 43) What good are all the trappings of success if there is no one to share them with you?

When a husband and wife have failed to create companionship over time one harsh realization comes crashing in—you suddenly realize "I’m alone!" The writer says this person asks, "Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?" I love the Message version: "Why am I working like a dog, never having any fun? And who cares?" A marriage relationship can over time grow so far apart because of a lack of companionship that suddenly there is a confrontation with the reality of the loneliness. It doesn’t mean that the marriage is over but it means that there will be a lot of work to do to make things better. And here’s the hard part: When a marriage is at this point, one party or the other will stop at nothing to fix it when before you wouldn’t give it the time of day! Loneliness is the painful result when couples fail to create companionship by mutually sharing life.

• You get more done (v. 9): He says, "Two people can accomplish more." How many wives will say, "I feel like I have to do it all around here!" They get frustrated because they feel like they aren’t accomplishing anything significant. Yet when life is shared, whether it’s housework, homework or the weight of life, there is a sense of satisfaction!
• You have help (v. 10): The writer says that when life is shared and someone "falls, the other can reach out and help." There are lots of ways to feel failure in a marriage—kids, jobs, school, family. The list goes on and on. But if you have someone sharing that load, when you feel the failure then the pain is lessened because you fall into the arms of someone who is always in your corner!
• You know someone cares (v. 11): Verse 11 describes the comfort that is given when someone gets next to you. This is a beautiful metaphor for closeness, both emotionally and physically, in a marriage. Life can be pretty discouraging, leaving you feeling cold and alone. Yet when you have someone who shows they care by getting close to you, then the discouragement is lifted.
• You have someone on your side (v. 12a): The writer says, "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer…." Haven’t you felt that your marriage and your home are under attack! Do you actually think that Satan wants your marriage to succeed? Do you actually think that our culture that is influenced by Satan is going to naturally build your marriage up or tear it down? The world is hostile to your effectiveness as a couple and a family! Yet if you know you have someone on your side, "back-to-back," you can stand against the pressures that want you to fail!
• You have strength (v. 12b): The writer has been using the analogy of the benefits of two but then he adds that three are even better! Just like a triple-braided cord you can’t easily be torn apart. What would be the third element needed to make your marriage stronger? I believe it is the mutually shared commitment to Christ. I know you have heard the statistic that Christian couples divorce at the same rate that non-Christian couples do. I don’t have all the explanation for that but I do believe this that you have a better chance of survival with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ ruling your relationship than without it! The greatest companionship that can be created is when you both mutually share a commitment to Jesus Christ!

Our passage reminds us what happens when a couple fails to create companionship and it shows us the reason or benefits when a couple creates companionship but the question is how do you do that. How do you create companionship in a marriage? I have said that you do that by mutually sharing life. Mutually sharing life means two things: You talk to each other and you do things together!

First, you create companionship by talking to each other. I just saw about 90% of the men "roll their eyes." I admit this is hard for a guy but you did it before you got married. The truth is that if you ever expect her to ever want to do anything with you, particularly a certain thing, then you are going to have to learn how to talk. So what do you do? Well, you first try to find out what they want to talk about (work, kids, feelings…). Yet in doing that you have to keep it balanced so that it is mutual and it doesn’t create tension. It also means you need to be open to saying some things that you have thought or felt that maybe you haven’t verbalized. In all of the conversation you both need to stay focused on what they are saying. The worst thing a guy can hear is, "You are not even listening to me. Do you know what I just said?"

Those are just some clues for you to begin talking but you have to remember that it takes time and it is a process. It is still a struggle for Kathy and me because it is my natural tendency is to talk about church or something serious. When Amy left home and it was just the two of us, there was a real fear of what we would discover. Now we love it being "just the two of us." We’re better but I still have a long way to go. We are still learning that companionship is created by talking to each other!

A second way you create companionship is by doing things together. Dr. Harley advises that the only things a couple should do are the things they can do together. Now I just heard all the ladies go, "Yes! No more deer hunting…!" I believe that if your marriage is on life support, then that is the best option. There are some things that Kathy and I should not do together – painting is one of them! So you know you have got to determine for yourselves what things you can do together. That may mean making some sacrifices on the part of either of you.

You may have to take some risks to be creative. Two years ago on Father’s Day we got tennis rackets. I know exactly where they are. We’ve never used them but we have them. We do enjoy our garden in our backyard. Of course our neighbor’s garden shames it, but it’s our spot. We enjoy going to BAM for tea and coffee, traveling, going to Memphis, none of which we do enough but we are learning. Just like talking to each other takes time, so learning to do things together takes time. You have been doing so many things apart that finding the things that you can do mutually will need some work. It may mean that you both find something new that you learn together.

In all this you have to stay focused on the purpose. The purpose is to create companionship, not create conflict. If you are too competitive in a sport, then it’s probably not a good idea to try that together. Yet--and here is the good part for a guy—if you talk while you are doing things together, then it’s a win-win! The purpose of doing things together is to build companionship between the two of you that drives the isolation away!

How’s the companionship in your marriage today? It may be that you have both worked hard at creating companionship. It could be that you both have allowed so many things to pull you apart that you feel deeply the pain of isolation and you wonder, "Who cares?" Your isolation may have caused you to imagine that there is someone else who can be a companion for you and you are on the verge of ruining your life and the name of Christ. Today I plead with all of us to do now what we need to do to create companionship in our marriage by mutually sharing life together.

Sometime in the night on Wednesday or early Thursday morning, Kathy got up because of a back problem and it sort of startled me. When I knew she was all right, she got back into bed and I just reached out my hand under the covers and she squeezed it tight. That squeeze said more than words can say or actions can show. It said: This is my companion for all of my life.

I challenge you today, as I challenge myself, to create companionship by mutually sharing life together!

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Dr. Bruce Tippit, Pastor

First Baptist Church

Jonesboro, Arkansas

btippit@fbcjonesboro.org