Main Idea: Being committed to staying close is the glue that keeps couples from coming apart.

Today we begin a new series of messages on marriage called "Desperate Husbands and Wives." The series title obviously comes from the title of a television show that is wildly popular and describes, from what I have read, the soap opera lives of suburban housewives. From the commercials I have seen, it seems that the housewives are desperate for only one thing. I believe, though, that marriages in our community are desperate for far more than what a television show portrays. I believe husbands and wives are desperate to be close to each other, desperate for companionship, desperate for trust and desperate for support. Those are the things we will talk about over the next four weeks.

A worthy resource we’re going to use is a book by William Harley called His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage." Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist and devoted Christian who has come to some very clear conclusion as to why couples find themselves involved in extra-marital relationships. In his best selling book His Needs, Her Needs." He points out that the key reason couples seek other persons than their spouse to meet their needs is because they have lost that feeling of being in love. He asked couples, "What would it take for you to be happily married again?" and the answer that came back over and over was "for us to be in love again." He says that "feelings of love" are absolutely essential for a marriage and I would absolutely agree. Feelings or emotions of love are not all there is but when I ask couples, "Do you still love them?" it is that answer that is the basis for any hope for saving a marriage. If love is alive, there is hope. If love has died, then it is not hopeless but it is difficult to resurrect the flame of the marriage.

The best resource we’re going to use is the Scripture. I have no reluctance to ask the question, "What does the Bible have to say about the desperate needs that husbands and wives have today? The answer is more than we could live on for a lifetime. That’s why the series has application for persons who are not married, desire to be married or who have been married. Because we’re talking about things all humans need whether in a marriage relationship or not. It is our ability or inability to have those needs met that gives our life a feeling of fulfillment.

It is that issue of success or failure to meet the emotional needs of a husband and wife that measures the security of a marriage against coming apart. Most marriages come apart because a husband and a wife fail to care about the emotional needs that each other have. It is those needs that are to be met exclusively by the one to whom they are married. If those needs are not met then the door is left open to an outside third party who will meet those needs. That’s no excuse for a person having an affair but it is a reason.

How do you meet the emotional needs of your husband or wife? You do that by becoming aware of those needs and trying and learning to meet them. Every relationship has what I call an "emotional checkbook." Marriages have a "love check book." It works very simply: when I meet a need in Kathy’s life, I make a deposit. When I goof, I make a withdrawal. The same thing works on her part. The key is to make more deposits than withdrawals because if you make less you are overdrawn. You can get overdrawn—it happens to all marriages—but when it stays overdrawn, your marriage will come apart! Harley says that failure to keep this account balanced exposes you to the danger of an affair for yourself or your spouse.

The first emotional need that husbands and wives are desperate for is to be close. What I want us to understand today is that being committed to staying close is the glue that keeps couples from coming part. This principle is the reason God designed marriage from the beginning. The text that was read earlier reminds us that God designed marriage as the one place where a man and a woman’s need for closeness can be found. When I use the word "close," I am talking about two things that are needed to accomplish that. One is emotional closeness or affection and the other is physical intimacy or a healthy sexual relationship. A husband and a wife need both but the wife needs more the emotional closeness and the husband needs the physical closeness.

What is fascinating is that this need for emotional and physical closeness was what God intended for marriage! When you read Genesis 1 and 2 you discover all the things that God has created—heavens, earth, seas, land, trees, animals, birds, fish and at last he creates people from the dust of the ground. Yet of all the good things that God created he said in Genesis 2:18 that it wasn’t good for the man, Adam, to be alone. So he says, "I will make a companion who will help him" (Gen. 2:18 NLT). That word "companion" has been translated as "help meet" and "helper." The Hebrew word is really a combination of two words "to rescue" and "to be strong." One translator says it means, "I will make him a power or strength corresponding to man or equal to man." God’s desire was to meet the need in Adam’s life for someone he could share life with, someone he could be close to that would meet the need of his loneliness.

To resolve this need God created Eve, woman, by taking part of Adam’s own body—a rib and fashioning a person who would fit his needs and her needs as well. The language that is used is absolutely majestic when Adam is presented with the pinnacle of God’s creation. He cries out, "At last!…She is part of my own flesh and bone! She will be called woman because she was taken out of man" (v. 23). The reason that God intends for marriage to be between a man and woman is because that is how he created us from the beginning. He created us both emotionally and physically to have our need for closeness met exclusively in one other person.

There are many reasons, both right and wrong, that persons may choose to be married. Most couples I know marry because of all the people they have met they believe they have found the one person they want to be close to for the rest of their life. They believe that in that other living, breathing, flesh and bone person is the person who will exclusively meet their need to have someone that they can be close to emotionally and physically. How do you do that? Well, verse 24 tells us: " This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. "

How do you stay close in marriage? Staying close means you leave other relationships behind. Genesis 2:24 says that "leaving" is part of being married. Why is leaving other relationships important? Because you can’t be close if you have never released past relationships. What relationships do I need to leave or be distinct about in my marriage? I believe the first is your family. It’s obvious that this doesn’t mean to break a relationship with your family but it does mean that the two of you make a distinction between the relationship you had before you got married and the one you have now that you are married. You must make a distinction from dependence on them emotionally, financially, and physically. You also must make a distinction from your family’s problems and your marriage. Failure to draw clear lines of distinction with your family will prevent you from being close to your husband or wife.

There are other relationships that you need to be clear on such as friends. It’s great to have friends, "running buddies" but the reality is you have been married for ten years and you don’t live in the dorm anymore—you’re married. Yet the most toxic relationship that you need to leave is a previous emotional relationship—in other words, an ex-whatever! In the words of Barney Fife, you had better, "Nip it, nip it in the bud," because if you don’t, the danger is that that previous relationship can grow roots that will cost you the closeness you need in your marriage. Staying close means you leave other relationships behind!

Staying close also means a commitment to an exclusive relationship. The Bible says that a man "leaves…and is joined to his wife." The word there means to keep close, stay close or cling to someone. In the new movie In Good Company, Dennis Quaid plays Dan Foreman, a 51 year old executive, who doesn’t know that his 18 year old daughter, Alex, has fallen in love with his 26 year old boss. His boss, Carter Duryea, asks Dan what the secret is to his successful marriage to his wife. Dan tells him, "You find someone to get in your foxhole and you keep everyone else out." (He said that a bit more colorfully but you get the idea). That’s a pretty good analogy. You say to the other person in your foxhole, "I am reserving my true affection for you and you alone!"

Now, guys, a woman experiences this closeness or affection differently than we do. They need physical, verbal and tangible affection. It is this affection that is literally the cement of your relationship. They need us to touch them physically just to be close. They need us to say words to them that affirm them ("I love you," "You look great.") They need us to do things for them—write notes, chores, errands. Those things say to a wife: "I’ll take care of you and protect you. I care about your problems and I’m proud of you." But doing those things that show physical, verbal and tangible affection we are giving to them what they need. The truth is, men, unless this need is met emotionally she will not be as likely to meet your need physically.

Being "joined" to your husband or wife means that you don’t express the affection they need toward anyone else. When you begin to express physical, verbal or tangible affection toward another man or woman that is to be reserved exclusively for your mate, your marriage is about to come apart.

Another thing that it means to stay close is that a husband and a wife surrender totally to an intimate relationship. The Bible says that after the man and wife are joined that the result is that the "two are united into one." Other translations say, "become one flesh." I believe this principle is the absolute most important for closeness in any marriage. When we say that staying close means total surrender to an intimate relationship we mean that there is one and only one person to whom I have opened and exposed all my heart, all my mind, all my body, all my dreams and desires and all of myself. It is the total release of a man and woman to the union of someone else. That’s why the next phrase, "Now, although Adam and his wife were both naked, neither of them felt any shame"

(v. 25) is so beautiful! They were totally exposed physically and were free emotionally. Notice he says they "were both naked" physically and "neither of them felt any shame" emotionally.

It is this idea of total intimacy that is at the core of staying close in a marriage. Once you leave other relationships behind and are joined to someone else exclusively, you begin the process of becoming intimate. It is both emotional and physical closeness and it doesn’t happen on your honeymoon and you will still be working on it by your 50^th anniversary. Now for a man, the process of showing his wife emotional intimacy comes by giving her affection. Guys hear that and say, "I can’t do that! I’m just not a touchy feely person!" Well, you can learn. You say, "I can’t learn how to do that!" Why not? You learned how to play golf or use a computer or some other skill. Can’t you learn how to give to your wife the emotional affection that will let her know how much you do care about her? If you can learn how to "open the club face" you can learn how to open her heart! You may need to just tell the truth and say, "I need your help to understand."

In the same way that a man struggles to understand his wife’s need for emotional intimacy the wife struggles to understand a husband’s need for physical intimacy. The same things are true for you that are true for him – you just might need to say, "I need your help understanding why and what you need." It all comes down to a desire for a man and a woman to have one basic rule: Meet your spouse’s need as you would want your spouse to meet yours!

Today I say to you that the woman I call my wife, the woman with whom I have been in the foxhole with for the past almost thirty years, is the only voice I long to hear, the only face I long to see, the only one I long to hold and the only one I long to touch. We have made a choice to being committed to staying close, knowing that it is the glue that will keep us from coming apart. Today I ask you how close are you to the other person in your foxhole? The checkbook may be overdrawn and you are clueless because you haven’t listened or been aware of the truth. You may be someone who thinks that someone else outside the foxhole is better and you are about to destroy the one good thing in your life. Regardless, all of us can stay close by leaving other relationships behind, making a commitment to keeping an exclusive relationship and to surrender yourself totally to the intimate relationship with your husband or wife. If you want to keep your marriage from coming apart, it will mean a commitment to staying close.

One of my favorite expressions of what it means to stay close is this poem by Joseph Bayly called "Psalm on a Cold Night."

"Lord, thank you for this warm presence here lying at my side in holy dark.

Thank you for beauty present from the start refined by sufferings and joys of forty years.

Thank you for pureness, patience, faith and courage

love that mounted in crescendo drums and cymbals now muted quiet flute and strings and tiny bells.

Thank you that turning over I am warmed and comforted by this long burning fire.

She grasps my hand and squeezes in her sleep.

Tonight, Lord, thank you for that wonder that what you joined together

no woman, man or hell itself could sunder."

If you want that to be true for you, then your commitment to staying close is where it starts! If you are tired of being desperate, then make a commitment to stay close.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Dr. Bruce Tippit, Pastor

First Baptist Church

Jonesboro, Arkansas

btippit@fbcjonesboro.org